The Disappeared – Inspiration Monday XI

Here we go – this week’s contribution to the fabulous Inspiration Monday as presented by the wonderful BeKindReWrite. Thanks so much for the truly inspiring quotes. Yet again, I had a hard time picking one. Here it is:

“Sun sets, curtain rises. Sun rises, curtain comes down.”
He’s fat. He’s bald. He’s short. And he has a cigar, unlit, hanging from the corner of his mouth.
I glance past his sweating pate. There is a dark rectangular hole in the wall behind him. Through the hole some fornication is going on. I raise an eyebrow. The fat man, still looking up at me, shrugs. He has a sheepish grin.
“You into that? I can get you some for your own private consumption if you want,” he says nudging me in the ribs with an elbow.
I just look at him deadpan while the massive projector next to us whirrs.
“Okay, okay,” he says. “That fucking douchebag was a regular here. He’d usually come in around ten and leave at midnight. Then he’d be back around three and leave at four. Always sat in the same seat – A16. He once wanted to kick the shit out of some old-timer who wouldn’t move when he told him to. Most of the folks that come here are regulars though. They prefer sitting closer to the action, not all the way in the back, so they never bothered about his seat.”
“How often he come in?”
“Three, sometimes four times a week.”
“You ever speak?”
“I tried greeting when he was new. But he just told me fuck off. That was it.”
“Did he ever bring anyone with him?”
“Yeah. Not often. Maybe eight, nine times in a year-and-a-half.”
We look at each other. I wait for him to elaborate but he doesn’t.
“Yeah, and?” I ask.
He just keeps looking at me.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I blurt. “I just gave you a hundred.”
“Game over, motherfucker,” he chortles and turns to tinker with the projector.
I pull out another hundred and slide it next to the other one in the breast pocket of his shirt.
“Two hookers who hang down at 5th. Sherri and, and… I don’t know the other bitch’s name. Wears a short black wig, like that babe in Pulp Fiction, and is into red outfits,” he says.
“They ever come here with anyone else?”
“Nope.”
“On their own?”
“Nope.”
“Anything else I should know?”
“Nope.”
I nod and turn to leave.
“Yo,” the fat man says. “Who the fuck’s this guy to you anyways?”
“He’s my brother,” I say.
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry, man.”
“When’s the last time you saw him?”
“Few minutes ago,” the fat man says.
“Where?” I ask, frantic.
My heart races. He’s a liar. It can’t be true.
“There,” the fat man points at the black rectangle in the wall. I follow his finger, through the hole and onto the screen. And there he is. My brother.

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25 thoughts on “The Disappeared – Inspiration Monday XI

  1. Pingback: Inspiration Monday XII | bekindrewrite

  2. pattisj

    I’ll make it unanimous, great dialogue! You wove that together very well, and the ending was quite a surprise for the brother and me.

    Reply
  3. Pingback: Inspiration Monday XII « BeKindRewrite

  4. Carl

    I was going to add a comment about how good the dialogue and characterization was, but everyone already said that. I’m never first.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      And the first shall be last and the last shall be first. Or something like that.
      Thanks Carl. I sincerely appreciate your words of confidence. You are a great writer, so it means a lot to me.

      Reply
  5. screen_scribbla Post author

    Yep – the brother was a porno star.
    And you read the ending first? Reminds me of ‘When Harry Met Sally’! Lol. Thanks for the feedback about your initial reaction to the ending. Interesting…

    Reply
  6. Evelyn

    So was the brother a porno star?
    I’m confused.
    and I read the ending first for some reason and just the last part about Who he was to him, etc. made me super teary…

    Reply
  7. Billie Jo Woods

    I wish I had your knack for dialogue, I could hear the distinct voices in my head as I read this. I know it is a modern piece but for some reason my mind set it in the gangster era.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Thank you Billie Jo. I work hard at the dialogue. It is never easy. I’m glad it was vivid and easy reading for you. That gives me confidence. Particularly if you added a flavour of an era to it.

      Reply
  8. Indigo Spider

    The dialogue is well done, realistic, gritty enough to match the scene. I’d love to see the rest of this story, this is like a great first chapter, I want more!

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      I’m glad you liked the dialogue. It’s always a bit of a struggle to find the personalities in their rythm and choice of words. I wrote this as if I was going to create a broader piece. I felt like stretching a bit, not just getting stuck on so-called clever short pieces. Thanks for popping by and for the feedback.

      Reply
  9. valbrussell

    This was dirty good scribbla. You do dialogue perfectly and your pacing on this is perfection.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Ooohhh. Dirty good is such a great expression! Thanks for noticing and commenting on the dialogue and pacing. I often fret about these aspects and wonder if I get them right. It’s good to know when I do so that I have a future reference.

      Reply
  10. Kay Camden

    You are a master of the ending that slaps you in the face. Your writing is an addictive drug. One hit and you can kiss your family and your job goodbye. Haha!

    Reply

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