Boys Club

She beckons me with her index finger. I jig towards her and dig loose the knot of my tie. The music that plays is deep trance; hypnotic, loud, euphoric. When I reach her, I continue my little dance. There is a sparkle in her eyes I have never seen before. She is prettier than I remember, and still wears her office clothing which now acquires a sexual undertone in this club filled with young kids who try to wear as little as possible. She points to a shot glass on the bar counter. I pick it up and wink at her. She smiles. She has great teeth. We down the drink. Tequila. Unceremonious and naked. We both exaggerate just how much of our breaths it has robbed. We laugh and slap the counter. I order two more shots. While I wait for them to arrive, I raise my hands high, close my eyes and move my body. I am God. Less than one hour ago I closed a deal worth six hundred million dollars. My cut is ten percent. In the stroke of a pen, I went from jerkoff to sir both in and outside the office. The drinks arrive and I pay for them. We cheers. I have seen her around before. She works as a receptionist or something. Who cares, really. While she still sucks wind and shakes her head after downing the tequila, I reach over and undo the top two buttons of her blouse. She blushes lightly and smiles, then grabs my tie and drags me to the dance floor.

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30 thoughts on “Boys Club

  1. reclaimingmyspace

    Hey Scribbla, I’ve been thinking about this some more since I read your post… I love the idea of an ‘unsavoury protagonist’ as you put it. Food for thought indeed, thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  2. jeremy

    I am sorry, i don’t quite understand, if you’re asking me for a profile similar to yours and ‘find an outlet’, I’m afraid i don’t have one. I am simply an aspiring author, trying to learn all i can. I am currently working on a fantasy novel about a soldier who is socially inept, but falls in love with a young woman. In my novel the soldier is going to learn what life is like outside of the soldiers life, and learn what it takes to be a ‘normal’ person. The book has allot of grit, allot of battles, but some romance to go with it. I am trying to figure out how to make readers fall in love with my characters, but I’m afraid i happen to be a horrible editor.I stumbled on your work scanning the web for as much advice as i can get. I am happy to say not only did i enjoy your work, i learned a little bit about descriptions. For that, i thank you, and if you have any advice, please don’t hesitate to offer.

    Reply
    1. Find an Outlet

      A lot of people on here have blogs, Jeremy, that’s what he meant. If a person has a blog, when you click on their icon, it takes you to more of their writing. If they don’t have a blog, the icon takes you nowhere. When someone wants to read more of your writing, it’s a compliment.

      I know you’re young but there are a lot of young people who do have blogs. It’s a way to write and have other people read your stuff. It doesn’t take long to set up a WordPress blog, it’s easy. They walk you through it. Then start posting your writing, whatever you want, paragraphs, chapters, or even just sentences.

      It would be a way to get feedback on your writing. Feedback can sometimes be much more helpful than “advice.”

      Your story sounds good. I can see that you’re frustrated, but maybe we can help you more if you publish some of your writing.

      (Scribbla, sorry for hijacking your comments section but I think Jeremy has passion!)

      Reply
      1. jeremy

        thats an awesome idea!!! totally, love it!!. thats what ill do!! readers beware, haha. p.s., i seem to bump into you alot ma’am. Thats cool though, at least i can trust you know where im coming from

        Reply
      2. screen_scribbla Post author

        Right on the money there, Debra. That is precisely what my question was. You spelt it out far more clearly than I did. And no problem with taking over the comments here. I’m glad that constructive discussion is occuring. Thanks for helping out.

        Reply
  3. jeremy

    oops!! i failed to read it all at first, my mistake. Obviously he doesn’t know her personally, and the big deal he struck has made him the life of the party. So shes a gold digger, and hes walking right into a trap. I have a feeling that hes going to learn an invaluable lesson soon. You paint a good picture of the price of ignorance, though all i am saying is merely speculation. p.s. I’m trying to sound smarter than i really am, still it was a joy to read your piece and learn from it

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Jeremy – thank you very much for stopping over at my blog, reading my work and leaving such great messages. You truly made my day. I am excited to know that a young person has read my work and enjoyed it. Thank you for that. I am also happy to see you are thinking about the story as you read it. That too, is important to me – that I’m not just dragging you along, but you are letting your imagination fly all over the place while you are reading. I find it a super excercise, and your speculation is fantastic. Right or wrong is totally not the point; you are reading my story, but if you are also creating your own while you read it, then that is very cool too. Thanks again for your time and effort.
      (I can’t click on your blog – could you please let me know its address?)

      Reply
  4. jeremy

    I enjoyed it!! This is a date, no?? and obviously not the first as is read “she was prettier than before”, maybe they just know each other, and i’m just jumping to conclusions. I am not a professional writer, though i am aspiring to become one. The detail is great, i learned something from this piece, that the detail doesn’t have to be dragged out to portray the message. Bravo. Now my 17 year old mind was going in a different direction upon reading the unbuttoning her blouse part, but it was quite clear that i was mistaken. I look forward to reading more!

    Reply
  5. Rachel Blahgs (sometimes)

    OK, I can tell I’m going to enjoy your space, scribbla. Thanks for the reading fodder – very nicely executed! This story could go oh-so-many ways.

    Reply
  6. sparrowsong

    Intense!

    The only bit that threw me momentarily was “Tequila. Unceremonious and naked.” For some reason my brain predicted the outcome and assumed the characters were unceremonious and naked, not the tequila. I had to back track when I figured out they were not.

    Reply
    1. Find an Outlet

      I do too—I like my protagonists to be misfits, have addictions, problems with authority, etc. The more misanthropic the better, as long as they have compassion. So much best-selling fiction is peopled with prissies I can’t relate to.

      Is it the amount of money that’s the corruption in this story, not the characters?

      Reply
      1. screen_scribbla Post author

        Great to know from both of you, cause I think that the bigger the obstacles a character has to overcome (from within) the better for the story and character. Or maybe it’s because I myself am a bit of a misfit!
        Debra, I don’t think it’s the amount of money. People are corrupted for surprisingly little. I think it’s more a case of the illusion that people have that somehow they (or others) are fundamentally changed by the fact of having money. That somehow the protaganist thinks he went from being an asshole to being cool just because he has money, not because he had to work to change himself. And she the same: perhaps she thought he was a dick but believes he is now okay because he has money. Great question!

        Reply
  7. Madison Woods

    You set a great scene with a strong sense of place. Enjoyed your writing! I’m trying to start doing more short fiction like this on my blog, too. It’s a great way to showcase what you can do with a short bit of space.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to read and comment. It means a lot to me. I encourage you to do short fiction on your blog. I find it really useful for focussing me on particular aspects of my writing I feel I need to work on. Most importantly though, it keeps writing fun and regular. I look forward to seeing what you come up with.

      Reply
  8. CuppySkully

    What most people don’t understand is that not everybody is gifted with the ability to write, to produce words and arrange them in such a way. When something is written correctly, it can be a piece that your eyes cant stop reading. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Thank you very much for reading and commenting on my writing. I appreciate it a lot and am pleased that you enjoyed it. It is because people like yourself (and Debra above) take the time to give me feedback that I keep writing and trying to improve, so that your experience of the story hopefully also becomes better.

      Reply
  9. Find an Outlet

    You might say he was just doing his job, but people working with obscene amounts of money like that aren’t known for their easygoing ways. She just sees it as an opportunity, I guess you can’t blame her…but still, they’re both icky.

    Apparently I feel I have to figure the story out and then tell you.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Hi Debra
      Thanks very much for your input. I really enjoy your feedback. I’m glad you feel the urge to figure out the stories and relay them back. As the writer of the stories, it helps me understand how clearly I am communicating to you as an audience – what you understand by what I have written. That feedback is invaluable to me, so thank you very much for doing it.
      In this particular piece I am continuing with a long-term project of mine, which is to create an unsavory protagonist that the audience can still relate to and feel for. Or at the very least, be curious about whether they are capable of change for the better. I’m finding the process very difficult and complex, but really enjoy trying anyway.

      Reply

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