Eve

I answer the phone.
“I’m on my way. I got delayed. The banks were full. Really full. And it took some time to process the transaction, of course.”
“Shut up, you dickhead. If I wanted excuses I’d have a kid of my own. You have five minutes.”
And he hung up. I calculate the distance I have to travel and the speed I am currently travelling at. I will be ten minutes late. I need to speed up and figure out a short cut. My foot presses the accelerator in as deep as it will go and I feel the butterflies in my stomach take off. What are they doing to her? What had they done to her? Christ. Instinctively, I know I have to focus on driving and getting there on time, but I can’t stop wondering if they have hurt her. My princess. My nine year old daughter. My everything.
Siren? No. I look in the rear-view mirror. Yes. Fuck it. A cop car flashing its lights, siren wailing, almost on my rear bumper. For a moment I look for an escape route. But the next exit off the highway is not for about two miles. I slow down a bit. Then speed up again. The cops pull up alongside and stare angrily. I slow my car and look down at the revolver resting in my lap.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Eve

  1. screen_scribbla Post author

    You have a very interesting blog, Drew. I have subscribed and look forward to more of your thought-provoking material. Thanks for reading my words and taking the time to leave a comment.

    Reply
  2. Drew Lane Composer

    Hey scribbla – just wanted to pop by and have a look at your blog seeing you saw mine. I really like the way you write. It’s hard, fast, and directly to the point. You write down only what needs to be said, rather than padding it out. And you can really feel the action coming through. Great stuff! 😉 Cheers!

    Reply
  3. Find an Outlet

    Well if this is an unedited story, then more power to you and your style because it’s working. I’m no good at fiction, I don’t even try. I didn’t even know about sites with very short stories like yours until a few days ago, now I’m fascinated.

    Storytelling like yours is a special gift. Every sentence an essential part of the whole.

    And your gravatar sure is cute.

    Reply
  4. Find an Outlet

    I second that. Good story, just the way I like ’em…lean and mean.

    I’m not sure many writers can or even want to understand that all the frivolous bullshit they bloviate about just bogs the reader down and sometimes causes their books to be thrown across rooms.

    For what it’s worth, I’ll add my own philosophy of writing: Write 1000 words, then cut 500 or 700 or all of it but a few sentences. I think you get already get it.

    Reply
    1. screen_scribbla Post author

      Thanks to both(bekindrewrite and Find an Outlet) of you for pointing that out. I really try to write that way, but only get it occasionally. I also felt that this was one of those times I managed to get it, bearing in mind that each of time I post it is a quick, unedited scribble first thing in the morning while trying to get the kid ready for school and my head out of work. By the way – you both have fantastic sites of your own. I’ll definitely be subscribing to each!

      Reply
  5. bekindrewrite

    I was drawn here by an inexplicable force after I read your comment. : )
    By the way, this piece is a great example of Show Don’t Tell; rather than forcing backstory into the narrative (e.g. “As I drove to meet the men who held my daughter ransom…”) you make it obvious to the reader gradually, by implying. We get to put the pieces together ourselves. Nice work.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s